Mind Warp

Have you ever been disappointed by a friend, family member, or significant other? How often do you think that disappointment stemmed from unrealistic expectations?

TV shows. Social media. Tabloids. The news. Fiction. Non-fiction. Observing your peers and neighbors. It all contributes to our understanding of the world, what we come to expect from it, and generally, what we believe to be possible.

If you happen to grow up watching shows like Friends, How I Met Your Mother, or Grey’s Anatomy, you may end up with a distorted view of what friendship is or could be. If you grew up watching Disney movies, you may wonder when you’re grown up why no one treats you like a princess or why your dad isn’t as cool or caring as Goofy in one of my favorite Disney movies, A Goofy Movie. 

Whatever it is, social media or other forms of media like Hollywood movies, tends to portray ideals. Unfortunately, ideals often aren’t reflected in real life. If we don’t realize this, we’re set up for a lifetime of disappointment. 

For example, what makes a good father? Everyone has a different definition of what a good father is. If I ask myself that question, I immediately think of all the fictional fathers I’ve seen in movies and television. Does it seem right to base my definition of a good father on made-up stories? Probably not. The same could be said for a good mom, grandparent, a good friend, or good siblings. 

If it’s not fiction-based media we think about, perhaps it’s non-fiction or neighbors we’ve interacted with or observed. Perhaps we’re fed ideas of what a good x,y,z person could be by someone close to us. Who knows what these ideas are based on. While these ideas may be based in fantasy, I think we could still gain some insight from them – as long as we base our thoughts on reality.

There are some people who view their parents as bad if they do not pay for their college, or leave them an inheritance when they die. To me, these things have no effect on whether or not a parent is good or not. Sometimes it gets a little fuzzy. What if your parents did not teach you about the birds and the bees? Does that automatically disqualify them as good parents? What if they didn’t teach you about investing?

There are certain criteria I’m sure many of set for what is considered good. And then we apply it to the various people in our lives. However, what we perhaps don’t consider are the limitations of the people we’re applying these criteria to. These limitations come in the form of general intelligence, emotional intelligence, education, free time, culture, and in general how they were raised. You can’t really hold it against your parents if they only have a high school education and neglected to teach you about Newtonian physics. 

Even if you have this ideal parent in your mind that you have idealized, your actual parent may forever fall short and have no chance of meeting your expectations. It’s possible your parents work two jobs to support the family and barely have time to spend with you. This doesn’t necessarily make them a bad parent. We need to adjust our criteria and lower the bar based on the limitations of the people in our lives. 

Whether it’s a parent, a sister, brother, or friend – we can’t simply apply a one-size-fits all mold to each one of these people in determining if they are good or not. While we can compare and contrast the people in our lives to other people in the world, each person needs to be judged individually, considering their own merits and limitations. 

Setting expectations isn’t often straightforward. Sometimes you will need to have uncomfortable conversations to make sure you have all sides of the story, but I think it’s worth your time. There is a lot to consider but the relationships in your lives are worth it. It would be a shame if you are alienating someone from your life because of false claims or unrealistic expectations. 

In my own family I have seen a lot of this. Sometimes it’s a simple misunderstanding. Sometimes it’s a mistake someone made that was deemed unforgivable. I’ve set unrealistic expectations myself and I’m trying to retrain my brain into setting better expectations. Many times I’ve fallen victim to an echo chamber. I’ve written a separate article about that here. For example, if you have someone in your life (person x) who constantly tells you what a horrible friend you have (person y) – you may eventually believe it to be true regardless of the truth. It is possible that this person (x) in your life may not like this particular friend of yours (person y), regardless of how you feel about them (person y). I consider this a form of brainwashing. It’s more effective the closer person x is to you and how much you trust them. 

It’s far too easy to have our worldview automatically molded and warped by stimuli around us. We need to ensure we don’t fall into any traps such as echo chambers or setting unrealistic expectations. It’s not easy but one powerful method is to seek out all the available information before coming to a conclusion – otherwise known as the scientific method. It’s hard not to fall victim to our own bias or that of someone close to us, but it’s important to be as objective as possible. 

Now go unwarp your mind!